A Letter to Find
by Katsu
Summary: A little short from Wolfwood. Contains atomic spoilers for episodes 22 and 23.


You could consider this to have atomic spoilers for episode 22 and 23. If you haven't   
seen those episodes and don't wish to be spoiled, do yourself a favor and don't read   
this. Either way, I don't care; just don't complain to me.  
  
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Dear Millie,  
  
You don't know I'm writing this, and I'm hoping that you'll never have reason to find   
out. You're asleep right now, curled up tight under my blanket and hugging my   
pillow like it's a stuffed animal; I want to remember the sight for as long as I can. I   
honestly never expected you to be such a heavy sleeper. I thought you'd wake up   
when I slipped over to the desk. I've been wrong about a lot of things lately, it seems.   
You've made this easier for me, as cowardly as that is. I'm going to hide this in one   
of your packs. If I'm wrong, you'll never see it, and I can save myself a lot of   
embarrassment by ripping it up. If not, there's some stuff I need to say to you. To   
everyone. I owe it to you.  
  
There comes a time in a man's life when he knows his number is coming up. Even if   
you've had the grim reaper breathing down your neck since you were a kid, there's   
still something that says you should get ready to pack your bags. I guess, somewhere   
along the line, I stumbled and let him catch up that one step he's been lagging; I   
know I'll be looking him in the eye come morning.   
  
If there's no chance of avoiding, then so be it. The line between all of us living or   
dying is a great deal thinner than you can imagine – I know because I have first hand   
knowledge of where it lies. I've tried to forget for so many years, and pretend that I   
don't know where the devil is walking, but now I've made my choice. I just need to   
clear things between us all, and then I'll be ready.  
  
I haven't been honest with any of you, about a lot of things. Some of them are big,   
some of them are small, but all of them are a sack of rocks on my back right now.   
No, I'm not going to tell you the whole truth. I think it's best that I never do, because   
I couldn't stand to consider how much it might hurt you, or how much it would   
lessen me in your eyes. Vash isn't the only one that wears a set of masks; I've got my   
own, and what I've got hidden behind them is at least as ugly, if not more so.   
  
All I can hope for is that you can forgive and understand the sins that I haven't told   
you. It's a lot to ask; I don't think it's a task I'm equal to myself. But if you can do me   
that honor, then I'll have gotten more than I ever deserved out of life. Vash, well, it   
was never a question of if he'd forgive me--with that idiot, it's a given. To have two   
people that love me in spite of myself...that's more than anyone could ever hope for,   
even if they go through a thousand lifetimes.  
  
Is it so weak of me, even knowing that what I have to do is for the greater good, that   
I would rather stay here with you? While I have long since known that this time   
would come, and prepared myself to let go of everything, both good and bad, I can't   
help but admit that this is unfair. I'm placing a burden of sadness on you that you   
don't deserve.   
  
Tonight, when you found me, I was trying to figure out how to say all this. I wanted   
to tell you myself, so I'd be able to watch your face, and see what you were thinking.   
On the other hand, the thought also scared the hell out of me; I'd be lying if I didn't   
say I was desperately afraid that I wouldn't be seeing what I hoped. Instead, you   
made it easy for me. I don't know if I should thank you, or if I should cry, since now   
I suppose I'll never know.  
  
I can't begin to say how much you mean to me--meant to me, just even when we   
were sitting there and eating your sandwiches. You didn't make me talk. You didn't   
expect me to do anything--and you held me when I needed it the most.   
  
I wasn't joking when I told you that you smell good. You smell like the fictional   
"some day" wife I dreamed up for myself. It's been a long time since I've been truly   
touched, by anyone. If it had been any other day, I don't know what I would have   
done. All I know is that there were a million things running through my mind that I   
wanted to do, and I couldn't manage to pull off one of them.  
  
You're beautiful. That's all there is.   
  
My cross is heavy because of all the mercy in it, yes, but it's also heavy because I   
need it to remind me of how far I still have left to go. I haven't been doing much but   
running since I was a kid--just seven years old. I'm not telling you this for pity; I'm   
telling you because you have to know how many years I've been out of the light. I've   
been trying to do right, and I've been trying to protect the people I care about, but I'm   
not going to pretend that the way I've gone about it may not be the best.  
  
Vash is moving around in the next room, which means that it's almost time to go. I'd   
better wrap this up.   
  
The times I've spent with all of you have been the best of my life; I've been dreaming   
of these days for a long time, and they've kept me going. You've forgiven me for my   
faults, and for the times I've been wrong; I've been so thoughtless.   
  
It preys on me, you see...I still don't know if I'm right, or if I've been wrong my   
entire life. The thought's my own private torture; was it even worth anything? I'd like   
to think so...but there's only one guy that knows, and he's not in the habit of sharing   
with us while we're still alive. I guess he's just the kind that likes playing his cards in   
close. I'm going to have to ask him in person; it's just too bad that the trip to see him   
is a permanent one, but I can't be too picky, now can I.  
  
The sun's rising. I wish you could see it; I haven't really looked at sunrises since I   
was a kid, and I have a feeling you could tell me a little better what I've been   
missing. The sky looks like it's on fire. It's going to be a fine morning.  
  
And it's time for me to go.  
  
From now on, you'll have to watch the sunrises for me. You can imagine me sitting   
next to you; I'd rather be a ghost by your side for all eternity than any angel in the   
sky. I will watch you smile, and laugh...maybe get married some day, and have kids,   
and grow old with the cheerful grace you always have, and I can't think of anything   
that would make me happier while I wait my time out.  
  
I'll be waiting for the day when I can meet up with you -- all of you -- again, in our   
own private Eden.  
  
Until then, Heaven will protect you. Go with God.  
  
Goodbye, my Honey.  
  
Signed,  
  
Nicholas D. Wolfwood  



End file.
